I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
