Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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