Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
