The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
