She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
