i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
