Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
