You really coming over, don't trick.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
