I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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