I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
