Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
