the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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