Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
