Your face is a jimmy john
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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