Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
