My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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