I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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