Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
