I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
