its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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