He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
