I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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