Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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