she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
