I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
