I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
