I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
