I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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