Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Randomize
