the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
