it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm sobbing to NWA
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
