well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
my being single is dangerous.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
