After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
