omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
