He uses pillows to masturbate.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
