i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
