I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
PANTIES FOUND
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
