ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
