I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
