Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
