Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
