Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
