Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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