I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
