My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
