Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
