I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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