at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
