it wasn't lemon gatorade
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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