Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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