Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
