Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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