One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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