I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize