none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
