I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
My underwear smells like fireworks.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
