Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
