my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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