We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
